I don't wanna be a member of this club!

For the first time today I was officially welcomed to the exclusive "parents of kids with cancer" group.   I think they called themselves "ONC (oncology)MOMS".   After the introductions,  Kagan made me later swear that I would never refer to myself by that name and I agreed.  

At this point of the day I felt like I was entering into an episode of an after school special.

There we were at the clinic listening to moms as they attempted to help me learn the ropes of what being a mom of a cancer patient meant.  They offered Kagan encouragement on what he could expect and what opportunities there were for him.   Dropping helpful hints about medical issues, social issues and so forth all while watching their daughters walk around with their chemo drugs hooked to a moveable pole.  

Don't get me wrong, I was very thankful for their support!  I am touched by their reaching out to me and helping me learn the ropes with small subtle words of expressions of kindness.   My mothering for the last almost 16 years meant nothing to them.  I was not the veteran mother in this situation.  I might as well have been holding a new born because that is how I felt.  These moms who have been thru caring for their 4-5 year old children with cancer for years and even dealing with cures and relapses knew more about mothering than me.

One mom said "he sure does have a lot of hair".  I said, well we just found two weeks ago.  Immediately I felt the room of people offer me a virtual hug of support.  They knew my fears, they knew my pain and they also knew a hope that meant that things would be okay.

I sat their for a moment thinking "I don't wanna be a member of this club".     Let me go back to Boy Scouts, PTA, Church Groups, booster clubs, cheer mom......

We did not choose this path for our lives and we now see things changing quickly.......

Changes with household routines, changes with priorities, changes with jobs, changes with people we love and etc.

The biggest change is that our son has been given this hurdle to get over.  I wish with all my heart that I could jump it for him.  I would give anything to take this from him and to put it all on me.  Yet, later I realized that I might not ever be as strong as him.  I would likely not be the example he is.

Maybe kids go thru this stuff because they survive and impact lives.  Just like the girls we watched today planning a play date after chemo - they have learned that life is precious and worth living.  All these kids, Kagan included, have a way of just living that makes you feel that you are so lucky to even be in their company for a little while.

God, I still don't understand why.  I am even mad that you picked Kagan.  This was NOT the plan!  None of it was.  Yet, I am trusting that you love Kagan more than even I can imagine and that you are healing him and me all in the same moment.  Kagan is being healed from cancer by your power and I am being healed from being an adult by your grace!