I know that everyone has the best of thoughts and well wishes and we are very grateful for their support and love.
Talking about cancer is one of those things where you wish that everyone was talking about cancer one minute and then a feeling of you are going to hit the next person who even says cancer. I mean you want to be consumed with knowledge and hope but then there is just that simple point where someone's talk grows dark, hits close to home or misses the mark so far that you wonder what they were thinking to even say it.
The world surrounding cancer is BIG. I mean everyone has been effected by cancer in some way even if they don't know it. It is overwhelming a hot topic everywhere. So naturally, the topic is filtered thru different perspectives: daughter of a mother who lost her battle to cancer, wife to husband who sailed through cancer, mother of child who is treatment, the voice of child who lost his dad to cancer, the wisdom of doctors who have seen many have cancer..... All varied!
When Kagan was out of the hospital we tried to talk less about the cancer than we had in the previous weeks since our lives were consumed with cancer. Yet, when we went to the mall the Citrus Park billboards were all black and green posters of a bald headed kid from St. Jude's. The morning talk show was consumed with the news of Robin Roberts and her recent cancer shock. Then even the premiere of Dallas started off with Bobby Ewing at the doctor learning of a new cancer followed by Sue Ellen's American Cancer Society benefit ball. Those are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to where all we saw or heard of cancer from.
Yet, thru all the well wishes, prayers and so forth the thing that has driven me crazy is when people tell me that it is all going to be fine. I know that it will be God's will. I believe it will be okay; but I don't know it will fine. I mean fine means I accept what the outcome is and I am not sure that it will be fine.
I am believing in God's promise to ask him to heal Kagan. I am believing in God's provisions as the ultimate healer and I know that He can heal. I know God would not allow this without their being a purpose. However, I refuse to pin God down to having to be one way and then being unforgiving to God if he does not make it all picture perfect (as if it could be). Does that make sense?
Yet for the rest of Kagan's life he will have the check the box next to his history that says "YES" to cancer. That is not fine.
I can not be fine with the process and still believe Kagan will live. The point is not whether he will survive but how he will survive.
I am not trying to be negative this morning. Really, I am not. I just walk down the hall seeing children who are too young to be fighting this type of thing, hear the cries of scared toddlers in the night and see the effects on my own son as he struggles through the night. It is not fine.
So, if I were to right my own list it would be to tell someone that you are praying for things to be fine or that you are wishing them well. I can't hear you say "It will be fine" and see in your eyes your fear of what if is not. I can't hear you say "It will be fine" when I see your body language say let's move on and talk about anything else. I don't want to hear "It will be fine" and see my son's face look to see if I agree in my own eyes.
I have faith that God will be in control. I have faith that God can heal. I have faith that Kagan is strong! For this morning, that is more enough. That is what will get us to tomorrow.
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
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