The Culprit
Did you know that you have between 500-700 lymph nodes in your body? The job of these little things is to rid your lymphatic fluid of dead bacteria, viruses and yucky stuff so that your immune system works well. They are also the favorite hang out of your white blood cells. So when your immune system is down and the body begins to fight it begins right here in the good ole nodes.
As you can see on the right side of Kagan's picture that I took today(his left side), the lymph nodes are still swollen on this side. While we were really anxious and in hopes that they would be gone after the first chemo treatments were done this pain in the neck (ha ha for the pun) just has not seemed to go away. Good news - it was much larger and had accompanying partners on the other side of the neck that were about this size that have reduced in size. Those disappeared after about 2 days of chemo and this one really large one still remains.
I was looking at it today and a feeling of just complete anger washed over me. Not anger at the world but I felt at odds with this culprit. This is the point at which the cells mutated and become cancer. This is where the body failed to perform it's duty and to protect my son. I was irrationally upset with the cells that were here. Can you really be mad at a cell? Likely no, but I was anyways.
The very existence of this large node on the side of the neck is a silent reminder that the cancer is still there. I mean, there are cancerous lymph nodes in other parts of Kagan's body but this one just seems to be taunting me that it is still there. The vision in my head is that is saying it is still working to fight its way in to invade the healthy parts of the body and there is nothing I can do about it. Was the fact that toxic chemical agents were sent to kill it not give it a good enough hint that it is unwanted? I guess not.
I have been flooded with information - via the Internet, the American Cancer Society, the National Cancer Institute, the literature from the hospital and doctors and I guess the same question keeps coming to my mind. What am I missing?
This is some of what I do know:
- Hodgkins Lymphoma can be a very curable cancer.
- Being curable in statistics means being alive in 5 years. (That is NOT what I consider curable, good grief, that is not even what I consider being acceptable)
- Off all the cases reported less than 12% occurs to patients under 20.
- An estimated 159,846 people are living with the disease or are in remission in 2012. That is out of an estimated 313813201 people in the United States of America.
- When Kagan reaches 5 years of being cancer free he will be 21 years old. When he reaches 10 years, he will be 26. When he reaches the 15 year goal mark - he will only be 31 years YOUNG!
How do I help him live? My heart aches to think of what cancer might take away from him.
How can I become the mom he deserves?
When does my mothering become smothering?
The instruction book of how to handle this seems to be missing or I missed this day in Mommy 101. Actually to come to think of it - I missed that whole stinking class!
Oh Kagan, Kade & Kenadee - I want to tell you all three something - I love you! I know that there are times that I should have listened and I didn't. I know there are times I should have stopped and just sat and talked to you that I chose to do something else. I regret everyone of those moments where I was not there to give you myself 100%. I wish I could say that it was going to get better but I know there will still be times that I make the wrong choices or say the wrong thing.
I am sorry that it took something like Kagan being sick to make me stop and realize how precious that being your mom is to me. I knew it my heart but not always in my daily focus of priorities. I am sorry for that.
I guess that evil culprit makes me so mad because it reminds me of how small in all of this I am. It reminds me that before it appeared I felt immune to it's harm. Even after having loved ones and friends battle with cancer - I just did not fear it enough to imagine it getting to my child. Lastly it taunts me with a voice that ask me to evaluate my day and see if what I have done with that day is worthy.
It scares me....
Your words hit home - what am I doing that is "SO" important that I can't sit down and play for a while, or just hold them while they watch a tv show?
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your feelings. I wish there was more we could do. Thanks to your post, I'm definitely taking the boys to the park today - something I've been putting off.
You're a great mom and a wonderful example. I know we've told you this before, but we want our kids to turn out as great as your kids have. Love you so much.