Helpless.

I have always felt that one of my duties as a husband and father was to fix things, or at least try to fix things until a professional was needed. I have a few good fixes under my belt, car repairs, celing fans, various toys, plumbing, and other small accomplishments that allowed me to stand back and say "there I fixed it". But the other day I heard doctors tell me things I could not fix. I saw x-rays and CAT scans of dark spots I could not fix. Then I watched as a nurse connected a small red bag of chemicals to my sons IV, I watched the red fluid slowly flow down the clear tube into his arm. My son has cancer, and I stand there helpless because I can't fix this. The weekend after we found out I had to return to work, problem is I didn't go to work. My body was there doing all the things I usually do, but my mind had called in sick. Every day at work has felt like a dull grey ribbon tattered along the edges being pulled through my chest. From time to time the ribbon feels like having sand ground into a tender sunburn, the ribbon turns bright red, and my way of dealing with helpless starts to wake. I've almost gone mushroom cloud on many people, lately my anger is just below the surface of everything I do. I know it's a "normal" reaction to an event like this, but if anyone could have seen though my minds eye the things I wanted to do to mr McDonald's employee that forgot a burger from our order... Needless to say I would have my 15 minutes of fame, just not the way most people want it. I have to work on my anger reaction to this. It's not healthy for me, or people around me. I have to get some different emotions, so far rage, and hunger, are just giving me heartburn. I don't know whats next for our family. I worry that this will change Kagans outlook on life, and I hope it doesn't he is a great kid. So laid back, and thoughtful. He is much better than I am or will be, He is the very definition of a good guy.