When my kids were smaller I was not fond of leaving them. Basically, if we could go somewhere then I assumed they could go. If they couldn't, well we just didn't for the most part. Then there was one activity after another as they grew that forced me to let go and let them have more freedom away from me.
Lately, I have forced Kagan back into this bubble of having me there. For the first month, I did not let him out of my sight. Then I did go and pick Kenadee up from cheer the other day (15 minutes) where I left him alone with Kaleb. At church he went to the youth room for almost a whole hour without me being there as I was in the family life center. Now, today - he went with Kaleb twice without me.
After shopping, Kaleb had to run back to the store. He asked if anyone wanted to go with him and Kagan said "I will" and was bouncing out of the house before I could object. This little trip was followed by a trip to the range with his dad later in the evening for a few hours.
I did not like it....Not at all.
I was not prepared for the feeling of the complete anxiety that I felt. I trust Kaleb very much but what if something happened and I was not there to handle it? For example, today Kaleb, Kagan and I went grocery shopping together. When we got to the store Kagan said "I am not feeling well because my stomach hurts". I reached in my purse and BAM - pulled out a zophran so that he could take it. Would Kaleb have a purse with him? (I will answer this - NO!)
Now, Kaleb would have likely left the buggy, rushed Kagan home and gave him all the right care that he needed if he was having to handle. No doubt he would have taken care of him just fine but I want to take care of him. Just like when he was a baby.
Let's just say I realize this sounds silly but when your kid is sick you just kinda revert back into wanting to do all the mothering you can. You can't do anything except everything that you can think of to be there for them. Such a balancing act.
In a brief moment our lives were changed forever. Our precious and amazing 15 year old son received a diagnosis of Hodgkin's Lymphoma and our new journey begins. A journey with him finding victory over this "C" word. This blog is our journey for our family and friends to share in Kagan's fight.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Chemo Day Went Well
Today was a good day. Kagan took chemo and it barely had any impact on him. He was almost hopping out of the hospital and ready for the rest of the day to begin. He got a chance to hang out with his friend and also go to game night at church. It is always a good sight to see.
I know that he is struggling with his summer being eaten up with his mom cramping his style and not getting to run and do all the things he wants to do. It breaks my heart to not just let him go and have fun. Yet, hopefully he will remember that all this precaution is just to make sure that his next summer is a cancer free blast!
We did find out that next week that he will be doing another PET scan, Cat Scan, and echocardiogram along with the normal weekly treatment plans that he has been on. It will be a week full of test, appointments and procedures but these test are very important in determining how effective the current treatment is and what the exact next step is for the following week.
We did also cut back on some of the drugs that Kagan was taking to create the white blood cells. His body reacts really well to these drugs and actually makes too many of them causing his counts to sky rocket. Apparently, this can be very dangerous because if there is too many the spleen can rupture.
I guess our life has become a little like Goldilocks and The Three Bears. One porridge is too hot, one is too cold and we are looking for the porridge that is just right!
I know that he is struggling with his summer being eaten up with his mom cramping his style and not getting to run and do all the things he wants to do. It breaks my heart to not just let him go and have fun. Yet, hopefully he will remember that all this precaution is just to make sure that his next summer is a cancer free blast!
We did find out that next week that he will be doing another PET scan, Cat Scan, and echocardiogram along with the normal weekly treatment plans that he has been on. It will be a week full of test, appointments and procedures but these test are very important in determining how effective the current treatment is and what the exact next step is for the following week.
We did also cut back on some of the drugs that Kagan was taking to create the white blood cells. His body reacts really well to these drugs and actually makes too many of them causing his counts to sky rocket. Apparently, this can be very dangerous because if there is too many the spleen can rupture.
I guess our life has become a little like Goldilocks and The Three Bears. One porridge is too hot, one is too cold and we are looking for the porridge that is just right!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Daily Drugs....
Doesn't everyone keep a bio-hazards sharp's jar in their kitchen?
When Kagan is not doing chemo he is constantly taking other drugs, steroids and etc. to keep him healthy. Most of the drugs are designed to help boost his immune system so that he does not come down with anything else.
He then has to deal with me flushing his PICC line, giving him shots and all that other jazz. It is just a part of the daily routine that has become our life.
Out of all the drugs, the biggest pain for Kagan is the stuff in the little bottle. This is given to him via shot in the arm. At the hospital in came already in the syringe but at home we have to fill it from this tiny bottle before administering the shot.
This drug is also the cause of the pain in his bones. It is described as the feeling of growing pains on crack by some. This drug causes the white blood cells to rapidly produce new cells increasing the amount of the counts in the body. The body just reacts with a pain for most patients, especially young ones. I picture an army breeding newbies (Yes, this is a Twilight reference) and they are hungry to fight the infection. (I know, my brain's output sounds like I have been hitting some of these drugs too.)
We head back for more chemo tomorrow. I am really hoping that my favorite doctor is the one on call tomorrow in the clinic. We rotate between three different doctors in the group and I favor two of them more the other. I just get more of a feel of care when I am confident in the next step!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Am I Okay?
I was talking to my mom earlier today and she said "Now seriously, your daddy wants to know if you are okay?" I answered "Yes Momma, I am fine I promise". I really am.
Then later today I was chatting with my sister and were talking about how we (the girls in my family) handle things. We both decided that we received some pretty good genes when it comes to stress management. We just handle what ever comes our way. No reason to fuss just get it taken care of and move on.
I bet if you were to ask my dad, my brothers, my sons or our husbands they would all say the same thing. "They (speaking of us girls), just get bossy, take charge, insist on everything being done "the right way" (AKA - our way), get a little irrationally over protective and defensive then if appropriate have a break down (only if needed)."
We then got a big laugh when my sister says" Well, after this is all over you can just go in your bathroom and scream, cry, yell or whatever". Then after a slight pause she said laughing "actually, I hope it happens when you are home and not in the middle of the store or church or something like that".
This is even funnier if you understand the make-up of our genes and what a typical "Fit" looks like to the women in my family. I mean, I hear it from my mom and sister, my nieces and even my cousins. Let's just say that my maternal genes have passed down to many generations how to have a good ole hissy fit! At least my mom did teach us how to have one with class! Have a smile on your face the whole time! It will really freak everyone out.
(This might be where my mom disowns me! Ha Ha)
In all seriousness though I keep wondering if there is an Emily Post list of how to handle when your kid is sick!
Is everyone asking me because I am not handling it the right way?
Maybe everyone is fearful that I am going to blow a gasket, is that it?
So, I guess let me apologize to the masses now for what might come. However, like I said I had a great mom who taught me to only have the breakdown if absolutely necessary so this apology may not be needed. Just in case though, I will try to save a few friendships by offering my sincerest apologies now. (Grin)
I will do my best to save the meltdown for my best girlfriend Laura. I think she is the only person besides Kaleb to see this "meltdown" and live to tell about it. Thank you girl for always being there for me in the good and bad. I can't tell you what knowing you are there means to me.
Then later today I was chatting with my sister and were talking about how we (the girls in my family) handle things. We both decided that we received some pretty good genes when it comes to stress management. We just handle what ever comes our way. No reason to fuss just get it taken care of and move on.
I bet if you were to ask my dad, my brothers, my sons or our husbands they would all say the same thing. "They (speaking of us girls), just get bossy, take charge, insist on everything being done "the right way" (AKA - our way), get a little irrationally over protective and defensive then if appropriate have a break down (only if needed)."
We then got a big laugh when my sister says" Well, after this is all over you can just go in your bathroom and scream, cry, yell or whatever". Then after a slight pause she said laughing "actually, I hope it happens when you are home and not in the middle of the store or church or something like that".
This is even funnier if you understand the make-up of our genes and what a typical "Fit" looks like to the women in my family. I mean, I hear it from my mom and sister, my nieces and even my cousins. Let's just say that my maternal genes have passed down to many generations how to have a good ole hissy fit! At least my mom did teach us how to have one with class! Have a smile on your face the whole time! It will really freak everyone out.
(This might be where my mom disowns me! Ha Ha)
In all seriousness though I keep wondering if there is an Emily Post list of how to handle when your kid is sick!
Is everyone asking me because I am not handling it the right way?
Maybe everyone is fearful that I am going to blow a gasket, is that it?
So, I guess let me apologize to the masses now for what might come. However, like I said I had a great mom who taught me to only have the breakdown if absolutely necessary so this apology may not be needed. Just in case though, I will try to save a few friendships by offering my sincerest apologies now. (Grin)
I will do my best to save the meltdown for my best girlfriend Laura. I think she is the only person besides Kaleb to see this "meltdown" and live to tell about it. Thank you girl for always being there for me in the good and bad. I can't tell you what knowing you are there means to me.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Why take your kids to church?
I love my church family; but I can admit that there are times when I wish that I could just sleep in on Sunday mornings. Between working all week, all the kids' events and housework it would be nice to not have anything to do one day and just relax.
We live in a neighborhood that could be described as a little "Yuppy like" so when we leave the house we see people sitting in workout clothes at the local deli or starbucks on the corner just hanging out talking or reading a book. Looks relaxing compared to my heels that I am wearing.
Yes, I even admit that getting up and getting to church can be hectic. I don't know why it is so hectic on Sunday morning but it sure can be. We, like many families, have our little fussiness on Sunday mornings that magically disappears when we walk thru the church doors.
I will even go as far as to say that there are things about church that I hate. Church politics, vulnerability in friendships that you get hurt in, pressures to do things outside your comfort zone and the whole building is filled with hypocrits. (shhhh, don't tell anyone that I said this - but since I can be one of them at times I feel that I can say it!)
So, why do we go?
Basically, we get to learn more about God's word that we can apply to our lives to be better and more like what God designed us to be. We get to fellowship with other believers that encourages us, love us, celebrate with us and cry with us when needed. More importantly, going to church is only a few hours a week out of the 168 hours that we get each week to focus ourselves on God.
However, out of all the things that are beneficial of being involved in a church family is the added love that is shed upon your children. Hearings things spoken to your children that you could NEVER say without your kids rolling their eyes and tuning you out. Seeds being planted into your children about life, about who they are, what their purpose is and what they can aspire to be.
My kids have been blessed with two of the most amazing men as youth ministers since we have been at New Beginnings. First, there was Stephen Gordon who made my kids fall in love with going to church. He made things so fun, so exciting and so fully connected with my kids. They loved "Beebop"! He started to teach my kids to be bold with their faith and that being at church was cool. Our hearts broke when Stephen and his family moved back to Georgia several years ago.
Then there is Justin Jett! Justin picked up with my kids right where Stephen left off. He made friends with my kids. He didn't just become a youth minister to them but someone they could rely on, someone they could vent to and someone who believed in them. I think if I would look at my kid's phone bills and text messages 50% of their conversations would be with Justin.
My kids have been invited into the Jett's home as family. I see it when they go there. They are not guest but merely just "at home" when they get there. Justin has invested himself in them (and many other children in our church) to help them grow the seeds that Stephen planted.
When it comes to Kagan I am especially thankful for these men because they have helped to mold my son to be the man he is becoming. A young man who is facing cancer with "God is great" attitude. A young man who is confident in his Creator and thankful for his Savior all at the same time!
Today at church, Stephen and his precious family were here from Georgia. Both Justin and Stephen were talking to Kagan and I asked to snap a photo of them and this is what I got:
This was the EXACT visual of what I had in my mind about what these men have done in his life. They have surrounded him, embraced him and are able to bring that big smile to his face. I even love Justin's extra little intimate hug there because it is actually how I feel that his and Kagan's relationship is. It is not just youth minister vs. student relationship - it is so much more.
So, why take your kids to church? Because when your kids aren't listening to you they are listening to someone! I am just blessed that as Kaleb and I strive to raise our kids the best way we can that there are others doing the same.
We can't keep them from making mistakes, from getting cancer or what ever life brings but they are surrounded with people hugging them, supporting them and encouraging them. Not only for what today brings but for what eternity brings.
Our church family is blessed to have amazing ministry staff. I think John, our Senior minister, was at the hospital more times than anyone else when Kagan was in the hospital. He brought laughs, he brought prayer and he brought hope. The entire ministry staff reached out to Kagan with visits, with cards, with hope.
We live in a neighborhood that could be described as a little "Yuppy like" so when we leave the house we see people sitting in workout clothes at the local deli or starbucks on the corner just hanging out talking or reading a book. Looks relaxing compared to my heels that I am wearing.
Yes, I even admit that getting up and getting to church can be hectic. I don't know why it is so hectic on Sunday morning but it sure can be. We, like many families, have our little fussiness on Sunday mornings that magically disappears when we walk thru the church doors.
I will even go as far as to say that there are things about church that I hate. Church politics, vulnerability in friendships that you get hurt in, pressures to do things outside your comfort zone and the whole building is filled with hypocrits. (shhhh, don't tell anyone that I said this - but since I can be one of them at times I feel that I can say it!)
So, why do we go?
Basically, we get to learn more about God's word that we can apply to our lives to be better and more like what God designed us to be. We get to fellowship with other believers that encourages us, love us, celebrate with us and cry with us when needed. More importantly, going to church is only a few hours a week out of the 168 hours that we get each week to focus ourselves on God.
However, out of all the things that are beneficial of being involved in a church family is the added love that is shed upon your children. Hearings things spoken to your children that you could NEVER say without your kids rolling their eyes and tuning you out. Seeds being planted into your children about life, about who they are, what their purpose is and what they can aspire to be.
My kids have been blessed with two of the most amazing men as youth ministers since we have been at New Beginnings. First, there was Stephen Gordon who made my kids fall in love with going to church. He made things so fun, so exciting and so fully connected with my kids. They loved "Beebop"! He started to teach my kids to be bold with their faith and that being at church was cool. Our hearts broke when Stephen and his family moved back to Georgia several years ago.
Then there is Justin Jett! Justin picked up with my kids right where Stephen left off. He made friends with my kids. He didn't just become a youth minister to them but someone they could rely on, someone they could vent to and someone who believed in them. I think if I would look at my kid's phone bills and text messages 50% of their conversations would be with Justin.
My kids have been invited into the Jett's home as family. I see it when they go there. They are not guest but merely just "at home" when they get there. Justin has invested himself in them (and many other children in our church) to help them grow the seeds that Stephen planted.
When it comes to Kagan I am especially thankful for these men because they have helped to mold my son to be the man he is becoming. A young man who is facing cancer with "God is great" attitude. A young man who is confident in his Creator and thankful for his Savior all at the same time!
Today at church, Stephen and his precious family were here from Georgia. Both Justin and Stephen were talking to Kagan and I asked to snap a photo of them and this is what I got:
This was the EXACT visual of what I had in my mind about what these men have done in his life. They have surrounded him, embraced him and are able to bring that big smile to his face. I even love Justin's extra little intimate hug there because it is actually how I feel that his and Kagan's relationship is. It is not just youth minister vs. student relationship - it is so much more.
So, why take your kids to church? Because when your kids aren't listening to you they are listening to someone! I am just blessed that as Kaleb and I strive to raise our kids the best way we can that there are others doing the same.
We can't keep them from making mistakes, from getting cancer or what ever life brings but they are surrounded with people hugging them, supporting them and encouraging them. Not only for what today brings but for what eternity brings.
Our church family is blessed to have amazing ministry staff. I think John, our Senior minister, was at the hospital more times than anyone else when Kagan was in the hospital. He brought laughs, he brought prayer and he brought hope. The entire ministry staff reached out to Kagan with visits, with cards, with hope.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I wanna grow up to be like my children!
I have mentioned a few times how much that Kagan was missing getting to go to Big Stuf this year. This is a week long "camp" at the beach and Daytona Beach Conference center where the kids have a great time and enjoy the teaching of some of the best Christian music artist and speakers there are. People like Andy Stanley, Natalie Grant and Mac Powell are there teaching into the lives of youth the Truth.
Well tonight during the conference in front of thousands of youth Kagan got a call from the stage LIVE! It caused some teary eyes and some big smiles.
During the call (which Kagan said was Awesome - - - - a few times ), Lanny (aka Mr. Big Stuf) asked him if he could say anything to the thousands of people there what would it be. He answered "God is Great"!
Now, go back 10 minutes before this call. We were just discussing the facts of radiation, the fact that his neck had not gone down all the way like they hoped and that it looks like we are not going to be in the "easy track" of this protocol. It seems that radiation and surgeries are in future since the ultrasound indicated "worrisome results" (per the Radiologist report today).
Fast forward to 5 minutes after this call when Kagan's chemotherapy was set to begin for the night. Right before he could really dread the beginning he got this uplifting call of thousands of teens CHEERING HIM ON.
The reason - GOD IS GREAT!
The most amazing thing is that this is Kagan's response in front of a few, in front of us, in front of thousands or whomever. Never ashamed, Never let down, Never discouraged because he knows that God is good all the time.
So, that brings me to the part of me that wishes that when I grow up that I could be like my children. All three of them have such precious hearts and are all around good kids. They are not perfect ( I mean we will not get started on the whole chore thing or the not arguing with one another; but other than that) but they are good kids.
I would love to have the confidence that Kenadee has. I am in awe of her ability to just be her. I mean, she can be all girl and she can play as hard as any boy. She has a strength about her that is amazing.
I would be well served to have Kade's passions. When he believes in something or someone he gives it 100% of himself - all out - no hold's bar. He is kind, he is loving and he caring. Those traits combined with his passion are amazing to me.
Then Kagan has a inner quite spirit that is so gentle. He is fully sold out to God's direction for his life and has such strength because of it. This total trust in God leads him and we have seen it for years.
Now, watching Kagan deal with this battle of his cancer with such strength. The most amazing thing is that he can say so little but everyone is noticing it. He is not bible beating or quoting scripture. He is silently living out his faith and the doctors and nurses are noticing. The other patients have noticed. The other kids are noticing and mentioning it.
Oh how I long to have the traits of my children when I grow up.
Thank you God for entrusting me with living examples of your love! I could not be more humbled than I am when watching them be more than who I am.
Well tonight during the conference in front of thousands of youth Kagan got a call from the stage LIVE! It caused some teary eyes and some big smiles.
During the call (which Kagan said was Awesome - - - - a few times ), Lanny (aka Mr. Big Stuf) asked him if he could say anything to the thousands of people there what would it be. He answered "God is Great"!
Now, go back 10 minutes before this call. We were just discussing the facts of radiation, the fact that his neck had not gone down all the way like they hoped and that it looks like we are not going to be in the "easy track" of this protocol. It seems that radiation and surgeries are in future since the ultrasound indicated "worrisome results" (per the Radiologist report today).
Fast forward to 5 minutes after this call when Kagan's chemotherapy was set to begin for the night. Right before he could really dread the beginning he got this uplifting call of thousands of teens CHEERING HIM ON.
The reason - GOD IS GREAT!
The most amazing thing is that this is Kagan's response in front of a few, in front of us, in front of thousands or whomever. Never ashamed, Never let down, Never discouraged because he knows that God is good all the time.
So, that brings me to the part of me that wishes that when I grow up that I could be like my children. All three of them have such precious hearts and are all around good kids. They are not perfect ( I mean we will not get started on the whole chore thing or the not arguing with one another; but other than that) but they are good kids.
I would love to have the confidence that Kenadee has. I am in awe of her ability to just be her. I mean, she can be all girl and she can play as hard as any boy. She has a strength about her that is amazing.
I would be well served to have Kade's passions. When he believes in something or someone he gives it 100% of himself - all out - no hold's bar. He is kind, he is loving and he caring. Those traits combined with his passion are amazing to me.
Then Kagan has a inner quite spirit that is so gentle. He is fully sold out to God's direction for his life and has such strength because of it. This total trust in God leads him and we have seen it for years.
Now, watching Kagan deal with this battle of his cancer with such strength. The most amazing thing is that he can say so little but everyone is noticing it. He is not bible beating or quoting scripture. He is silently living out his faith and the doctors and nurses are noticing. The other patients have noticed. The other kids are noticing and mentioning it.
Oh how I long to have the traits of my children when I grow up.
Thank you God for entrusting me with living examples of your love! I could not be more humbled than I am when watching them be more than who I am.
Define FINE
The other day a sweet friend of mine, Bethany Jett, sent me a blog article about the things this wife hated to hear people say to her or her husband with cancer. The blog was funny because I went down saying "yep, heard that" and thought how funny it would be to have that posted on the hospital door. I mean right before you enter the room a little check list of "Top 10 things not to say when in the room" would be appropriate for some.
Talking about cancer is one of those things where you wish that everyone was talking about cancer one minute and then a feeling of you are going to hit the next person who even says cancer. I mean you want to be consumed with knowledge and hope but then there is just that simple point where someone's talk grows dark, hits close to home or misses the mark so far that you wonder what they were thinking to even say it.
The world surrounding cancer is BIG. I mean everyone has been effected by cancer in some way even if they don't know it. It is overwhelming a hot topic everywhere. So naturally, the topic is filtered thru different perspectives: daughter of a mother who lost her battle to cancer, wife to husband who sailed through cancer, mother of child who is treatment, the voice of child who lost his dad to cancer, the wisdom of doctors who have seen many have cancer..... All varied!
When Kagan was out of the hospital we tried to talk less about the cancer than we had in the previous weeks since our lives were consumed with cancer. Yet, when we went to the mall the Citrus Park billboards were all black and green posters of a bald headed kid from St. Jude's. The morning talk show was consumed with the news of Robin Roberts and her recent cancer shock. Then even the premiere of Dallas started off with Bobby Ewing at the doctor learning of a new cancer followed by Sue Ellen's American Cancer Society benefit ball. Those are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to where all we saw or heard of cancer from.
Yet, thru all the well wishes, prayers and so forth the thing that has driven me crazy is when people tell me that it is all going to be fine. I know that it will be God's will. I believe it will be okay; but I don't know it will fine. I mean fine means I accept what the outcome is and I am not sure that it will be fine.
I am believing in God's promise to ask him to heal Kagan. I am believing in God's provisions as the ultimate healer and I know that He can heal. I know God would not allow this without their being a purpose. However, I refuse to pin God down to having to be one way and then being unforgiving to God if he does not make it all picture perfect (as if it could be). Does that make sense?
Yet for the rest of Kagan's life he will have the check the box next to his history that says "YES" to cancer. That is not fine.
I can not be fine with the process and still believe Kagan will live. The point is not whether he will survive but how he will survive.
I am not trying to be negative this morning. Really, I am not. I just walk down the hall seeing children who are too young to be fighting this type of thing, hear the cries of scared toddlers in the night and see the effects on my own son as he struggles through the night. It is not fine.
So, if I were to right my own list it would be to tell someone that you are praying for things to be fine or that you are wishing them well. I can't hear you say "It will be fine" and see in your eyes your fear of what if is not. I can't hear you say "It will be fine" when I see your body language say let's move on and talk about anything else. I don't want to hear "It will be fine" and see my son's face look to see if I agree in my own eyes.
I have faith that God will be in control. I have faith that God can heal. I have faith that Kagan is strong! For this morning, that is more enough. That is what will get us to tomorrow.
I know that everyone has the best of thoughts and well wishes and we are very grateful for their support and love.
Talking about cancer is one of those things where you wish that everyone was talking about cancer one minute and then a feeling of you are going to hit the next person who even says cancer. I mean you want to be consumed with knowledge and hope but then there is just that simple point where someone's talk grows dark, hits close to home or misses the mark so far that you wonder what they were thinking to even say it.
The world surrounding cancer is BIG. I mean everyone has been effected by cancer in some way even if they don't know it. It is overwhelming a hot topic everywhere. So naturally, the topic is filtered thru different perspectives: daughter of a mother who lost her battle to cancer, wife to husband who sailed through cancer, mother of child who is treatment, the voice of child who lost his dad to cancer, the wisdom of doctors who have seen many have cancer..... All varied!
When Kagan was out of the hospital we tried to talk less about the cancer than we had in the previous weeks since our lives were consumed with cancer. Yet, when we went to the mall the Citrus Park billboards were all black and green posters of a bald headed kid from St. Jude's. The morning talk show was consumed with the news of Robin Roberts and her recent cancer shock. Then even the premiere of Dallas started off with Bobby Ewing at the doctor learning of a new cancer followed by Sue Ellen's American Cancer Society benefit ball. Those are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to where all we saw or heard of cancer from.
Yet, thru all the well wishes, prayers and so forth the thing that has driven me crazy is when people tell me that it is all going to be fine. I know that it will be God's will. I believe it will be okay; but I don't know it will fine. I mean fine means I accept what the outcome is and I am not sure that it will be fine.
I am believing in God's promise to ask him to heal Kagan. I am believing in God's provisions as the ultimate healer and I know that He can heal. I know God would not allow this without their being a purpose. However, I refuse to pin God down to having to be one way and then being unforgiving to God if he does not make it all picture perfect (as if it could be). Does that make sense?
Yet for the rest of Kagan's life he will have the check the box next to his history that says "YES" to cancer. That is not fine.
I can not be fine with the process and still believe Kagan will live. The point is not whether he will survive but how he will survive.
I am not trying to be negative this morning. Really, I am not. I just walk down the hall seeing children who are too young to be fighting this type of thing, hear the cries of scared toddlers in the night and see the effects on my own son as he struggles through the night. It is not fine.
So, if I were to right my own list it would be to tell someone that you are praying for things to be fine or that you are wishing them well. I can't hear you say "It will be fine" and see in your eyes your fear of what if is not. I can't hear you say "It will be fine" when I see your body language say let's move on and talk about anything else. I don't want to hear "It will be fine" and see my son's face look to see if I agree in my own eyes.
I have faith that God will be in control. I have faith that God can heal. I have faith that Kagan is strong! For this morning, that is more enough. That is what will get us to tomorrow.
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Round 2
Today, just 29 days after learning that Kagan had cancer, we were admitted back to the hospital for ROUND 2 of chemo. This last month has flown by!
The doctor was a little more concerned today after measuring the bump on Kagan's left side of his neck (aka - the culprit). From the outside it is 3 inches by 4 inches. Pretty big bump. We were sent to have an ultrasound this evening. It has some suspicious looks to it so we will be happy when the doctor comes to tell us what the readings showed. However, his estimate today was that we will likely be undergoing surgery to remove "the culprit".
Surgery was the big thing last time where the surgeon would not clear him to undergo surgery due to the risk of the lymph nodes at the wind pipe being so big. I am assuming more test to see if that is a possibility. (Oh yea - and thanks to Bay News 9 and their week long segment series on why you should not get multiple ct scans, ultrasounds and etc. because they cause cancer: I am completely calm- Ha Ha Ha)
As we started round 2, Kagan was relaxed. I mean this time he had a comfy new quilt to wrap up in! Can't get more precious than that sweet bald head!
I wish I could see what is happening on the inside of the body right now. A closed circuit tv camera to show me the battle going on and give assurance of the break down of the cancer inside. I know I can't but I would love to see it.
Thanking God for our sweet nurse Colleen this evening. The sweet smile and gentle ways are so kind during this ordeal. She has been so sweet to Kagan and we are thankful for her.
The doctor was a little more concerned today after measuring the bump on Kagan's left side of his neck (aka - the culprit). From the outside it is 3 inches by 4 inches. Pretty big bump. We were sent to have an ultrasound this evening. It has some suspicious looks to it so we will be happy when the doctor comes to tell us what the readings showed. However, his estimate today was that we will likely be undergoing surgery to remove "the culprit".
Surgery was the big thing last time where the surgeon would not clear him to undergo surgery due to the risk of the lymph nodes at the wind pipe being so big. I am assuming more test to see if that is a possibility. (Oh yea - and thanks to Bay News 9 and their week long segment series on why you should not get multiple ct scans, ultrasounds and etc. because they cause cancer: I am completely calm- Ha Ha Ha)
As we started round 2, Kagan was relaxed. I mean this time he had a comfy new quilt to wrap up in! Can't get more precious than that sweet bald head!
After all the anti-naseau medicine (zophran is his best friend), he was ready to go. The first of the chemo drugs of tonight's 5 different chemo agents was once again the "red kool-aid"). Kagan kept starring at it after it was hooked up the IV pole. He asked me to take a photo of it.
That small drip of cancer killing drugs just sat there for about 5 minutes. I guess it is normal until the pump is turned on for it to do that but it just sat there as we both looked at it. That small red drip a reminder that Round 2 is about to begin.
I wish I could see what is happening on the inside of the body right now. A closed circuit tv camera to show me the battle going on and give assurance of the break down of the cancer inside. I know I can't but I would love to see it.
Thanking God for our sweet nurse Colleen this evening. The sweet smile and gentle ways are so kind during this ordeal. She has been so sweet to Kagan and we are thankful for her.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Packing Bags....
Kagan made it thru Round 1 of the chemo treatment very well. Now tomorrow we are being admitted back to the hospital for Round 2 tomorrow morning (assuming all his counts are good to go).
Early tomorrow morning we will make our way back the hospital with a little bit more dread than the first visit. I mean the last time everything was a whirlwind of events. Everything was new. Everything was unknown. The first visit still seems like a bad nightmare that we have not quite woken up from - surreal and fuzzy but at least we did not have to prepare to go there.
Now, on visit 2, are we suppose to walk in there as if we understand what is happening and what is going on? Are we aware enough of the process to know what to expect or are we fools to think we even have a clue as to what is coming Kagan's way?
We will most likely only be there for a couple of days. The only thing that would change that is if he is neutropenic (fancy new cancer word) or if he has any unseen side effects to the chemo. So, how do I pack?
I want to just pack an overnight back and assume for the best and then again, I want to pack everything except the kitchen sink in the event that we are there longer. This way he can have all his comforts of home with him. Is being too overly optimistic a good thing or am I tempting fate?
Silly questions, I know; but welcome to my brain! It is way too filled with what if's and how to's to make much sense out of a lot. I think it has just become focused on things that begin with "K" (Kaleb, Kagan, Kade & Kenadee) that it is not processing much else. I bet it can still process Krispy Kreme though because that is two K's!
Our world has literally turned upside down in so many ways and it is odd how it all seems to be landing right where it needs to be. Let's just hope that my packing skills follow suit.
Early tomorrow morning we will make our way back the hospital with a little bit more dread than the first visit. I mean the last time everything was a whirlwind of events. Everything was new. Everything was unknown. The first visit still seems like a bad nightmare that we have not quite woken up from - surreal and fuzzy but at least we did not have to prepare to go there.
Now, on visit 2, are we suppose to walk in there as if we understand what is happening and what is going on? Are we aware enough of the process to know what to expect or are we fools to think we even have a clue as to what is coming Kagan's way?
We will most likely only be there for a couple of days. The only thing that would change that is if he is neutropenic (fancy new cancer word) or if he has any unseen side effects to the chemo. So, how do I pack?
I want to just pack an overnight back and assume for the best and then again, I want to pack everything except the kitchen sink in the event that we are there longer. This way he can have all his comforts of home with him. Is being too overly optimistic a good thing or am I tempting fate?
Silly questions, I know; but welcome to my brain! It is way too filled with what if's and how to's to make much sense out of a lot. I think it has just become focused on things that begin with "K" (Kaleb, Kagan, Kade & Kenadee) that it is not processing much else. I bet it can still process Krispy Kreme though because that is two K's!
Our world has literally turned upside down in so many ways and it is odd how it all seems to be landing right where it needs to be. Let's just hope that my packing skills follow suit.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Light the Night Walk - 2012
So many people have been asking us what they can do to help with Kagan. Really, there is not much that we can say. We really don't need anything right now. We are so appreciative of all the care, love and support but when you ask what we just don't know what to say.
Well, I did think of something. After seeing how wonderful the medical staff, the educators and the LLS has been to our family I signed up for our family to walk in the Light the Night fundraiser to help cure cancers just like what Kagan has.
The event is several months away (November 10, 2012). I know that many things will change between now and then but maybe while your thinking that you want to do something you might make a "save the date" on your calendar to walk with our family for this event.
I myself have passed up events like this before that were dealing with my own family members, Kaleb's family members or friends because I had not been touched to see how events like this help find cures for cancer. ( I mean I knew it was important but I did not realize why the walk was important). Like I have said before, it was someone else that was fighting this - not me. I wasn't being selfish I just did not understand how my commitment to being at a walk would mean anything. Well, I understand now.
So, maybe you want to walk along side our family for this few hours on Saturday, November 10th. The event is a 1.5 mile walk. The event begins at 3:30pm and ends at 7:30pm. I will have more information to pass along in the coming months but thought I would let you know now.
If you don't want to walk maybe you want to make a donation to our team in honor of Kagan. This money goes directly to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society to help them find a cure. You can donate by visiting our team page. http://pages.lightthenight.org/sun/Tampa12/KagansKnockOutCorner
From this link you can commit to walk, you can commit to donate, YOU CAN JOIN OUR TEAM or you can just read more about the the event to learn more.
Be a part of Kagan's Knock Out Corner.
Well, I did think of something. After seeing how wonderful the medical staff, the educators and the LLS has been to our family I signed up for our family to walk in the Light the Night fundraiser to help cure cancers just like what Kagan has.
The event is several months away (November 10, 2012). I know that many things will change between now and then but maybe while your thinking that you want to do something you might make a "save the date" on your calendar to walk with our family for this event.
I myself have passed up events like this before that were dealing with my own family members, Kaleb's family members or friends because I had not been touched to see how events like this help find cures for cancer. ( I mean I knew it was important but I did not realize why the walk was important). Like I have said before, it was someone else that was fighting this - not me. I wasn't being selfish I just did not understand how my commitment to being at a walk would mean anything. Well, I understand now.
So, maybe you want to walk along side our family for this few hours on Saturday, November 10th. The event is a 1.5 mile walk. The event begins at 3:30pm and ends at 7:30pm. I will have more information to pass along in the coming months but thought I would let you know now.
If you don't want to walk maybe you want to make a donation to our team in honor of Kagan. This money goes directly to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society to help them find a cure. You can donate by visiting our team page. http://pages.lightthenight.org/sun/Tampa12/KagansKnockOutCorner
From this link you can commit to walk, you can commit to donate, YOU CAN JOIN OUR TEAM or you can just read more about the the event to learn more.
Be a part of Kagan's Knock Out Corner.
The Reveal
Today Kagan got a chance to reveal his new hair cut (Okay, so his new hairless cut) at church today. I saw him walk into church with a hat on and then quickly remove it to reveal his new hairless cut.
I kept a small strand of his hair for my memory book. They all thought it was a little gross but Kaleb was sweet enough to save me a locket and tie a purple ribbon on it.
As I said earlier, Kaleb helped to shave off Kagan's hair. They made jokes and laughed. All while there was this simple silence in the room that did not leave. The long pause before Kagan looked into the mirror to see the young man he was without his hair. I held my breath as he uncovered his eyes to look for the first time. Kaleb immediately said when Kagan glanced in the mirror, "Good thing you don't have an egg head". The simple light heartedness comment that brought this tender moment to a giggle.
Simple strokes of the razor given with a Daddy's love.
Today is Father's Day and I could not help but think how glad I am to have Kaleb in my life. How blessed to know that Kagan has him to anchor him during this storm.
Kagan is so much like Kaleb. They have a quite presence about themselves. They are often underestimated. Yet you will likely find men better than my husband and his son(s).
I kept a small strand of his hair for my memory book. They all thought it was a little gross but Kaleb was sweet enough to save me a locket and tie a purple ribbon on it.
As I said earlier, Kaleb helped to shave off Kagan's hair. They made jokes and laughed. All while there was this simple silence in the room that did not leave. The long pause before Kagan looked into the mirror to see the young man he was without his hair. I held my breath as he uncovered his eyes to look for the first time. Kaleb immediately said when Kagan glanced in the mirror, "Good thing you don't have an egg head". The simple light heartedness comment that brought this tender moment to a giggle.
I Simple strokes of the razor given with a Daddy's love.
Today is Father's Day and I could not help but think how glad I am to have Kaleb in my life. How blessed to know that Kagan has him to anchor him during this storm.
Kagan is so much like Kaleb. They have a quite presence about themselves. They are often underestimated. Yet you will likely find men better than my husband and his son(s).
Saturday, June 16, 2012
The Evil Culprit
The Culprit
Did you know that you have between 500-700 lymph nodes in your body? The job of these little things is to rid your lymphatic fluid of dead bacteria, viruses and yucky stuff so that your immune system works well. They are also the favorite hang out of your white blood cells. So when your immune system is down and the body begins to fight it begins right here in the good ole nodes.
As you can see on the right side of Kagan's picture that I took today(his left side), the lymph nodes are still swollen on this side. While we were really anxious and in hopes that they would be gone after the first chemo treatments were done this pain in the neck (ha ha for the pun) just has not seemed to go away. Good news - it was much larger and had accompanying partners on the other side of the neck that were about this size that have reduced in size. Those disappeared after about 2 days of chemo and this one really large one still remains.
I was looking at it today and a feeling of just complete anger washed over me. Not anger at the world but I felt at odds with this culprit. This is the point at which the cells mutated and become cancer. This is where the body failed to perform it's duty and to protect my son. I was irrationally upset with the cells that were here. Can you really be mad at a cell? Likely no, but I was anyways.
The very existence of this large node on the side of the neck is a silent reminder that the cancer is still there. I mean, there are cancerous lymph nodes in other parts of Kagan's body but this one just seems to be taunting me that it is still there. The vision in my head is that is saying it is still working to fight its way in to invade the healthy parts of the body and there is nothing I can do about it. Was the fact that toxic chemical agents were sent to kill it not give it a good enough hint that it is unwanted? I guess not.
I have been flooded with information - via the Internet, the American Cancer Society, the National Cancer Institute, the literature from the hospital and doctors and I guess the same question keeps coming to my mind. What am I missing?
This is some of what I do know:
- Hodgkins Lymphoma can be a very curable cancer.
- Being curable in statistics means being alive in 5 years. (That is NOT what I consider curable, good grief, that is not even what I consider being acceptable)
- Off all the cases reported less than 12% occurs to patients under 20.
- An estimated 159,846 people are living with the disease or are in remission in 2012. That is out of an estimated 313813201 people in the United States of America.
- When Kagan reaches 5 years of being cancer free he will be 21 years old. When he reaches 10 years, he will be 26. When he reaches the 15 year goal mark - he will only be 31 years YOUNG!
How do I help him live? My heart aches to think of what cancer might take away from him.
How can I become the mom he deserves?
When does my mothering become smothering?
The instruction book of how to handle this seems to be missing or I missed this day in Mommy 101. Actually to come to think of it - I missed that whole stinking class!
Oh Kagan, Kade & Kenadee - I want to tell you all three something - I love you! I know that there are times that I should have listened and I didn't. I know there are times I should have stopped and just sat and talked to you that I chose to do something else. I regret everyone of those moments where I was not there to give you myself 100%. I wish I could say that it was going to get better but I know there will still be times that I make the wrong choices or say the wrong thing.
I am sorry that it took something like Kagan being sick to make me stop and realize how precious that being your mom is to me. I knew it my heart but not always in my daily focus of priorities. I am sorry for that.
I guess that evil culprit makes me so mad because it reminds me of how small in all of this I am. It reminds me that before it appeared I felt immune to it's harm. Even after having loved ones and friends battle with cancer - I just did not fear it enough to imagine it getting to my child. Lastly it taunts me with a voice that ask me to evaluate my day and see if what I have done with that day is worthy.
It scares me....
Friday, June 15, 2012
No More Bad Hair Days!
I have to say that this part of the chemo was the hardest - the loosing of the hair. For days Kagan's hair began to shed but looked as if it might just be thinning. Then one morning, the thinning became more like spotting and eventually large bald spots appeared.
Kagan has always had a sweet little "golden halo" (that is what my mother-in-law has called it since he was a wee little boy) in his hair. For a boy, he had some of the thickest and most beautiful golden brown colored hair that I always loved.
Kagan has endured the chili bowl cuts that I LOVED when he was kid to big boy hair cuts in his post toddler years to his own styles in his pre-teen and teens. Kagan decided in 5th grade that he wanted long hair and become very attached to his hair. I mean, he grew some pretty long hair that he later has asked us why we did not make him cut it. We all tried to talk him into cutting his hair but he would not do it. (Hind sight in 20/20) I am pretty sure that only once Mrs. Diane asked him how my daugthers were doing that he got the hint and cut it.
When we went home for Thanksgiving a few years ago his PaPa got a big kick out of his long hair. Kagan was more than wiling to share his long hair to help his PaPa feel like he had hair for a day. I love both of their smiles here! I guess now PaPa can share some of his bald with Kagan.
We had planned to take Kagan to a local "Art of Shaving" store at the mall. Yet, after the continued loss of hair he could not wait for the appointment. He decided that he would much rather just ask his Dad to shave it for him. This was a very precious moment to me. To see my husband shaving my son's head was tender, it was sweet and it was something I will never forget for my entire life. I never loved either of them more than this moment.
When Kagan is ready, I (or hopefully he) will share the photos here. I think for now, it is just a moment that we need to treasure a little longer for our family.
But, Kagan did allow me to do a "sneak peek" photo. I really think that the look suits him very well.
This was Kade and him today at lunch.
Kenadee was giving us her Anglea Jolie lips today. What a hoot!
So, we had a pretty big week. Kagan got out of being confined to a mask. We got to run a few errands and do a few things that we wanted to do together. We got to have a little fun and make a few memories along the way.
Kagan has always had a sweet little "golden halo" (that is what my mother-in-law has called it since he was a wee little boy) in his hair. For a boy, he had some of the thickest and most beautiful golden brown colored hair that I always loved.
Kagan has endured the chili bowl cuts that I LOVED when he was kid to big boy hair cuts in his post toddler years to his own styles in his pre-teen and teens. Kagan decided in 5th grade that he wanted long hair and become very attached to his hair. I mean, he grew some pretty long hair that he later has asked us why we did not make him cut it. We all tried to talk him into cutting his hair but he would not do it. (Hind sight in 20/20) I am pretty sure that only once Mrs. Diane asked him how my daugthers were doing that he got the hint and cut it.
When we went home for Thanksgiving a few years ago his PaPa got a big kick out of his long hair. Kagan was more than wiling to share his long hair to help his PaPa feel like he had hair for a day. I love both of their smiles here! I guess now PaPa can share some of his bald with Kagan.
We had planned to take Kagan to a local "Art of Shaving" store at the mall. Yet, after the continued loss of hair he could not wait for the appointment. He decided that he would much rather just ask his Dad to shave it for him. This was a very precious moment to me. To see my husband shaving my son's head was tender, it was sweet and it was something I will never forget for my entire life. I never loved either of them more than this moment.
When Kagan is ready, I (or hopefully he) will share the photos here. I think for now, it is just a moment that we need to treasure a little longer for our family.
But, Kagan did allow me to do a "sneak peek" photo. I really think that the look suits him very well.
This was Kade and him today at lunch.
Kenadee was giving us her Anglea Jolie lips today. What a hoot!
So, we had a pretty big week. Kagan got out of being confined to a mask. We got to run a few errands and do a few things that we wanted to do together. We got to have a little fun and make a few memories along the way.
I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains. ~Anne Frank
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Counts Were Up!
The visit to the clinic resulted in Kagan having better counts. With this news Kagan was free to remove the mask he had been wearing and he was able to get out of the house to go and do a few things.
Kagan is enjoying practice his driving skills. He is pretty much acting as a taxi driver when he is feeling well enough to be out and about. By the time this all over he will be a pro.
We got to visit at Justin and Bethany's house. Kagan really enjoyed the time out and I really enjoyed the girl talk with Bethany. Afterwards, we were able to run a few errands and then go to church. Kagan loves his youth group and being able to go and enjoy was great.
It was a little bittersweet since a lot of the night was talking about the upcoming BigStuf trip that he is missing. He did get his t-shirt though for the youth group trip and he enjoyed that. It is PURPLE! I heard that the color was to be blue and someone suggested that they change the color in honor of Kagan to purple. Love the suggestion and love the support that his youth group continues to give him.
We did also get to go to eat out at PeiWei for dinner. Joey went with us and cracked me up. He opened his fortune cookie and found no fortune. Luckily, he got another one that had a fortune. A good laugh we got to have at his expense.
My fortune was quite appropriate.
This might be the hard part but the summit is around the corner!
I continue to be amazed by the good that is surrounding us. I just can't help but think what people would do without the faith in Christ and the HOPE that knowing God is control brings. It is absolutely the foundation in which making it thru this made possible. A comfort... A peace...
Kagan is enjoying practice his driving skills. He is pretty much acting as a taxi driver when he is feeling well enough to be out and about. By the time this all over he will be a pro.
We got to visit at Justin and Bethany's house. Kagan really enjoyed the time out and I really enjoyed the girl talk with Bethany. Afterwards, we were able to run a few errands and then go to church. Kagan loves his youth group and being able to go and enjoy was great.
It was a little bittersweet since a lot of the night was talking about the upcoming BigStuf trip that he is missing. He did get his t-shirt though for the youth group trip and he enjoyed that. It is PURPLE! I heard that the color was to be blue and someone suggested that they change the color in honor of Kagan to purple. Love the suggestion and love the support that his youth group continues to give him.
We did also get to go to eat out at PeiWei for dinner. Joey went with us and cracked me up. He opened his fortune cookie and found no fortune. Luckily, he got another one that had a fortune. A good laugh we got to have at his expense.
My fortune was quite appropriate.
This might be the hard part but the summit is around the corner!
I continue to be amazed by the good that is surrounding us. I just can't help but think what people would do without the faith in Christ and the HOPE that knowing God is control brings. It is absolutely the foundation in which making it thru this made possible. A comfort... A peace...
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Life Uninterrupted - Moss House
We are still appreciating all the calls, cards and wishes for a great recovery for Kagan. I keep saying this but it does not seem enough that we are so thankful for all the support. It really is not cliche to say that just a simple note makes a bad day better.
So many have asked us what is going on in our house. What are we doing? What do we have to do so I thought that I would just do a bulk update.
For us, we are really trying hard to keep life as normal as possible for us and the kids. Obviously there are many things that are different but we are keeping what we can the same, especially for Kade and Kenadee.
Kaleb has went back to work! I mean after all, that Lockheed insurance is our best friend these days. I know it is hard for Kaleb to walk away back into "normal" knowing what is going on here but that is just the type of guy he is. He works harder than any man I know and continues to provide so that I can take care of my babies. It is a blessing to have him handling all of that for me. He also is pitching in with the other kids and Kagan when needed.
Kade is enjoying summer. He is the newest member of the Alonso football team and starts conditioning this evening. Let's just say that his summer is pretty much dedicated to football with their schedule. Kade also is spending time being Kade and his social self. He is getting ready for his freshman year of high school to start but not too quickly. He wants to enjoy as much of the summer as possible. He will take enough of a break from football to go to Big Stuf with his youth group next week and he is excited for a week in Daytona.
Kenadee is still doing competition cheer. She is flying on a senior level team this year and we are so excited that she is getting to do what she loves. That girl loves to cheer! Her team did such an amazing job last year that we can't wait to see them in action this year. She goes to cheer several times a week for 3-4 hours per day. She also will get a break to go to church camp, Big Stuf (Youth retreat), take a cheer camp and do a few other fun things. She too is a social butterfly and she keeps her calendar pretty full of things to do.
Kagan's treatment so far has not gone exactly as planned. ( I am learning that plan is a very loose term when it comes to this process). We have spent approximately 4 hours a day at the clinic where he is either getting a check up, chemo, shots or etc. At home he has a regiment of care for his pic line, taking meds and the day to day of well being. This, along with transporting to and from, takes up most of our daytime.
Kagan will be going back to the hospital for a 4-5 day stay next week. This is when he will get his next really large dose of chemo drugs and start round 2. This will be his protocol for the next several months but much better than the month we thought we might be staying at a time at first. We stand ready to go to the hospital at the on sight of any fever, illness or complications.
I spend my time at home doing the housework, cooking, planning, making appointments, calling on insurance/prescriptions, etc. Most of this never seems to get done; but there is a limit the time I am spending on doing it because well I had a slap in the face that reminded me that spending time with my kids is way more important.
Currently, I am using up my saved up vacation time. Good thing I had time saved and then I am going on an extended leave from my job. This has been difficult in so many ways because I love my job! Not working, not thinking about the clients and the day to day of my job has been difficult to give up. I wake up thinking I need to handle this, I need to handle that....
Slowly, I am phasing my life into a new mold as is everyone else. We are trying to live outside the diagnosis that Kagan got but also very aware that we must make it a priority. It is a fine balance that is difficult at times. We must plan based upon Kagan's counts. Can we go to church, can we go to the movies, can we go to the store? This has been "No" for several days but risking infection is just not worth it at this time.
So my calendar is full and ever changing. Life at the Moss house is still life like anywhere else. We just re-arranged, re-prioritized and made a new normal for us.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Teenage Troubles
I am constantly googling away learning everything that I can about how to make sure that Kagan is getting the best possible treatment. I have heard great stories from survivors and even more disturbing stories from people who said that they wish they would have known about this or that but it was too late.
My free time is spent scouring the internet to compare treatment plans, to study up on drugs and side effects, to find ways to deal with the day to day of Kagan's care. There is a ton of stuff out there and I plan to read every bit of it - good and bad.
Teenage cancer is quite different in many ways for the patient. They are too young in some ways and too old in others. If you remember being a teenager and dealing with the teenage agony of spreading your wings, you can multiply that feeling times 1000 when you have to do it with cancer.
The New York Times had a fantastic article about this very issue that I thought I would share. It is located at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/16/health/16canc.html?pagewanted=all# This story is such a good summary of what Kagan is dealing with and a good read for anyone that is wanting to know more.
In reading this, I could not help but think how fortunate Kagan is to have such good friends in his youth group. While there are many people that are doing such sweet things for him this article reminded me of a few that were very special to me because of their sweet gestures towards Kagan.
For my facebook friends, you know that his friend Joey shaved his head in honor of Kagan. There was even a time when he had a purple ribbon drawn on his head. Not many high school boys would shave their head to make their friend feel better. I hugged his neck the other day and tears rolled down my face because I was just so emotionally unable to share with him how much this meant to see a teenager do this. His mom and dad did good raising that boy!!!
Kagan also has a wonderful youth minister who has been there to provide support for him. Kagan thinks the world of Justin and I have seen exactly why. Justin is such a reflection of being a strong leader to the youth of our church and I am certain that Kagan's strength is in part due to his example. This man, once a member of the US Marines, now softly and gently being their for my son.
Then there is Janine Parker. This beautiful and precious young girl, I can't say enough about how I feel here. As soon as she found out that Kagan was sick she was supportive, she was there and she was active. She made I don't know how many purple ribbons for his friends and family to have. Then every picture I saw of her from that point, she was wearing her purple ribbon - even during paintball! She will always hold a very special place in my heart that will be covered with a purple ribbon!
I feel bad that I can't express to all the friends of Kagan's how much they have shown themselves to be amazing young people. Everyone should have friends like this. Friends who care..Friends who do...Friends who you know will be there for you always.
P.S. Hope you guys don't mind me using your photos.
My free time is spent scouring the internet to compare treatment plans, to study up on drugs and side effects, to find ways to deal with the day to day of Kagan's care. There is a ton of stuff out there and I plan to read every bit of it - good and bad.
Teenage cancer is quite different in many ways for the patient. They are too young in some ways and too old in others. If you remember being a teenager and dealing with the teenage agony of spreading your wings, you can multiply that feeling times 1000 when you have to do it with cancer.
The New York Times had a fantastic article about this very issue that I thought I would share. It is located at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/16/health/16canc.html?pagewanted=all# This story is such a good summary of what Kagan is dealing with and a good read for anyone that is wanting to know more.
In reading this, I could not help but think how fortunate Kagan is to have such good friends in his youth group. While there are many people that are doing such sweet things for him this article reminded me of a few that were very special to me because of their sweet gestures towards Kagan.
For my facebook friends, you know that his friend Joey shaved his head in honor of Kagan. There was even a time when he had a purple ribbon drawn on his head. Not many high school boys would shave their head to make their friend feel better. I hugged his neck the other day and tears rolled down my face because I was just so emotionally unable to share with him how much this meant to see a teenager do this. His mom and dad did good raising that boy!!!
Kagan also has a wonderful youth minister who has been there to provide support for him. Kagan thinks the world of Justin and I have seen exactly why. Justin is such a reflection of being a strong leader to the youth of our church and I am certain that Kagan's strength is in part due to his example. This man, once a member of the US Marines, now softly and gently being their for my son.
Then there is Janine Parker. This beautiful and precious young girl, I can't say enough about how I feel here. As soon as she found out that Kagan was sick she was supportive, she was there and she was active. She made I don't know how many purple ribbons for his friends and family to have. Then every picture I saw of her from that point, she was wearing her purple ribbon - even during paintball! She will always hold a very special place in my heart that will be covered with a purple ribbon!
P.S. Hope you guys don't mind me using your photos.
Friday, June 8, 2012
I don't wanna be a member of this club!
For the first time today I was officially welcomed to the exclusive "parents of kids with cancer" group. I think they called themselves "ONC (oncology)MOMS". After the introductions, Kagan made me later swear that I would never refer to myself by that name and I agreed.
At this point of the day I felt like I was entering into an episode of an after school special.
There we were at the clinic listening to moms as they attempted to help me learn the ropes of what being a mom of a cancer patient meant. They offered Kagan encouragement on what he could expect and what opportunities there were for him. Dropping helpful hints about medical issues, social issues and so forth all while watching their daughters walk around with their chemo drugs hooked to a moveable pole.
Don't get me wrong, I was very thankful for their support! I am touched by their reaching out to me and helping me learn the ropes with small subtle words of expressions of kindness. My mothering for the last almost 16 years meant nothing to them. I was not the veteran mother in this situation. I might as well have been holding a new born because that is how I felt. These moms who have been thru caring for their 4-5 year old children with cancer for years and even dealing with cures and relapses knew more about mothering than me.
One mom said "he sure does have a lot of hair". I said, well we just found two weeks ago. Immediately I felt the room of people offer me a virtual hug of support. They knew my fears, they knew my pain and they also knew a hope that meant that things would be okay.
I sat their for a moment thinking "I don't wanna be a member of this club". Let me go back to Boy Scouts, PTA, Church Groups, booster clubs, cheer mom......
We did not choose this path for our lives and we now see things changing quickly.......
Changes with household routines, changes with priorities, changes with jobs, changes with people we love and etc.
The biggest change is that our son has been given this hurdle to get over. I wish with all my heart that I could jump it for him. I would give anything to take this from him and to put it all on me. Yet, later I realized that I might not ever be as strong as him. I would likely not be the example he is.
Maybe kids go thru this stuff because they survive and impact lives. Just like the girls we watched today planning a play date after chemo - they have learned that life is precious and worth living. All these kids, Kagan included, have a way of just living that makes you feel that you are so lucky to even be in their company for a little while.
God, I still don't understand why. I am even mad that you picked Kagan. This was NOT the plan! None of it was. Yet, I am trusting that you love Kagan more than even I can imagine and that you are healing him and me all in the same moment. Kagan is being healed from cancer by your power and I am being healed from being an adult by your grace!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Helpless.
I have always felt that one of my duties as a husband and father was to fix things, or at least try to fix things until a professional was needed. I have a few good fixes under my belt, car repairs, celing fans, various toys, plumbing, and other small accomplishments that allowed me to stand back and say "there I fixed it".
But the other day I heard doctors tell me things I could not fix. I saw x-rays and CAT scans of dark spots I could not fix. Then I watched as a nurse connected a small red bag of chemicals to my sons IV, I watched the red fluid slowly flow down the clear tube into his arm. My son has cancer, and I stand there helpless because I can't fix this.
The weekend after we found out I had to return to work, problem is I didn't go to work. My body was there doing all the things I usually do, but my mind had called in sick. Every day at work has felt like a dull grey ribbon tattered along the edges being pulled through my chest. From time to time the ribbon feels like having sand ground into a tender sunburn, the ribbon turns bright red, and my way of dealing with helpless starts to wake. I've almost gone mushroom cloud on many people, lately my anger is just below the surface of everything I do. I know it's a "normal" reaction to an event like this, but if anyone could have seen though my minds eye the things I wanted to do to mr McDonald's employee that forgot a burger from our order... Needless to say I would have my 15 minutes of fame, just not the way most people want it. I have to work on my anger reaction to this. It's not healthy for me, or people around me. I have to get some different emotions, so far rage, and hunger, are just giving me heartburn.
I don't know whats next for our family. I worry that this will change Kagans outlook on life, and I hope it doesn't he is a great kid. So laid back, and thoughtful. He is much better than I am or will be, He is the very definition of a good guy.
Pregnant or Cancer ????
Today, while waiting in the car line to pick up Kade and Kenadee, Kagan and I got a pretty big laugh. At some point he jokingly said when we were first in the hospital that maybe he was just pregnant. I can't remember exactly how that whole joke got started but it has been referred to several times now.
So for fun, I looked up the symptoms of being pregnant :
* headaches
* nausea
* back ache
* fatigue
* frequent urination
* missed cycle
* food cravings
* cramping
* mood swings
* swelling of abdomen
* dizziness
Well, holy cow if this was a test then Kagan would have a 90% chance of his diagnosis being that of being pregnant. I let you guess the missing one but technically I guess you could say never and get a 100%.
I guess the good thing is that we did have a few other factors that support this not being the case - like being a male and oh yea - there being no baby.
We did get to have a day at home without a clinic visit. It was nice since it was so nasty outside. I flushed his pic line the first time by myself today. Getting the blood return still freaks me out a little bit; but we did good.
Kagan is taking several medications, shots and then just the overall precautions that are needed to ensure that he is well. I am trying really hard not to over do it but I can't help but check on him more often than I should. A few temperatures daily, the running my fingers thru his beautiful golden brown hair, the checking off the list of the possible side effects as a negative daily and asking him a billion times how he is feeling now.
When this is all over he is going to need/want a break from his mommy! :-(
Tomorrow we go back to the clinic to get checked on and determine how we will proceed with his protocol. I am anxious to see the ANC (fancy term for how his counts are that have become so important) results. I am then even more anxious to see what the doctor has decided to do and to rule out the chance of any infection that could be suspected.
After a day at the clinic, it will be nice to be ready to celebrate all three kids ending their school year. Kagan will have officially passed his freshman year of high school. Kade will be saying bye to middle school and then Kenadee will be moving on the 7th grade. It seems like just yesterday that they were all so tiny. Look at them now.
Look at how cute Kagan was in this picture. My sweet baby.
So for fun, I looked up the symptoms of being pregnant :
* headaches
* nausea
* back ache
* fatigue
* frequent urination
* missed cycle
* food cravings
* cramping
* mood swings
* swelling of abdomen
* dizziness
Well, holy cow if this was a test then Kagan would have a 90% chance of his diagnosis being that of being pregnant. I let you guess the missing one but technically I guess you could say never and get a 100%.
I guess the good thing is that we did have a few other factors that support this not being the case - like being a male and oh yea - there being no baby.
We did get to have a day at home without a clinic visit. It was nice since it was so nasty outside. I flushed his pic line the first time by myself today. Getting the blood return still freaks me out a little bit; but we did good.
Kagan is taking several medications, shots and then just the overall precautions that are needed to ensure that he is well. I am trying really hard not to over do it but I can't help but check on him more often than I should. A few temperatures daily, the running my fingers thru his beautiful golden brown hair, the checking off the list of the possible side effects as a negative daily and asking him a billion times how he is feeling now.
When this is all over he is going to need/want a break from his mommy! :-(
Tomorrow we go back to the clinic to get checked on and determine how we will proceed with his protocol. I am anxious to see the ANC (fancy term for how his counts are that have become so important) results. I am then even more anxious to see what the doctor has decided to do and to rule out the chance of any infection that could be suspected.
After a day at the clinic, it will be nice to be ready to celebrate all three kids ending their school year. Kagan will have officially passed his freshman year of high school. Kade will be saying bye to middle school and then Kenadee will be moving on the 7th grade. It seems like just yesterday that they were all so tiny. Look at them now.
Look at how cute Kagan was in this picture. My sweet baby.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Day 8 - Chemo In a Bag
Day 8 :
We are at day 8 with chemo treatment cycle one. This meant a trip back to the clinic where Kagan was given another round of two of the chemotherapy drugs for his regiment/protocol. He did really well and therefore no hospital stay required!
He is doing really well on the chemo drugs. He calls them his "Kool-aid" or his "Poison". His sense of humor is so off the charts with this dry humor that he inherited from his Daddy. When he referred to it today as his "kool-aid" the doctor laughed and said he knew the hospital was trying to cut back on expenses but he was hoping not as far back as to pass off kool-aid as his chemo drugs.
When you get the chemo it comes in a special bag with all kids of red toxic stickers on it. If you look closely you will notice all the warning signs about the toxic nature in that ominous bag. Yet, you know it is the means to which the miracle will come. The toxic substance will kill and destroy the enemy inside. Sometimes even that which does not appear to be good is the absolute needed element to the cure we need.
We did get some lab results back that showed his white blood cells counts were still a little high. They are going to change up some of his protocol and check his labs again on Friday. They are hoping that this will prove to show in more detail exactly what is happening. Nothing to be over alarmed about but something that needs checking on to see what is next.
It has now been 14 days since Kagan received his diagnosis. With as much as we have learned, experienced and been exposed to this seems more like a years worth of time. Yet on the other hand everything is still sinking in at each visit like we just learned about it yesterday.
So very thankful for the wonderful parents (my Mama & Daddy and Kaleb's mom) for their emotional support and love. We also have such a wonderful network of loving friends and family that have been here to help our family. I will get around to thanking everyone from our family, our friends and church family one day because they will never know how much their prayers and encouragement have meant to us. For now, I will just say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers and concern.
We are at day 8 with chemo treatment cycle one. This meant a trip back to the clinic where Kagan was given another round of two of the chemotherapy drugs for his regiment/protocol. He did really well and therefore no hospital stay required!
He is doing really well on the chemo drugs. He calls them his "Kool-aid" or his "Poison". His sense of humor is so off the charts with this dry humor that he inherited from his Daddy. When he referred to it today as his "kool-aid" the doctor laughed and said he knew the hospital was trying to cut back on expenses but he was hoping not as far back as to pass off kool-aid as his chemo drugs.
When you get the chemo it comes in a special bag with all kids of red toxic stickers on it. If you look closely you will notice all the warning signs about the toxic nature in that ominous bag. Yet, you know it is the means to which the miracle will come. The toxic substance will kill and destroy the enemy inside. Sometimes even that which does not appear to be good is the absolute needed element to the cure we need.
We did get some lab results back that showed his white blood cells counts were still a little high. They are going to change up some of his protocol and check his labs again on Friday. They are hoping that this will prove to show in more detail exactly what is happening. Nothing to be over alarmed about but something that needs checking on to see what is next.
It has now been 14 days since Kagan received his diagnosis. With as much as we have learned, experienced and been exposed to this seems more like a years worth of time. Yet on the other hand everything is still sinking in at each visit like we just learned about it yesterday.
So very thankful for the wonderful parents (my Mama & Daddy and Kaleb's mom) for their emotional support and love. We also have such a wonderful network of loving friends and family that have been here to help our family. I will get around to thanking everyone from our family, our friends and church family one day because they will never know how much their prayers and encouragement have meant to us. For now, I will just say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers and concern.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Super Woman
Super Woman?
I have always tried to be every where, do everything and handle all that has been put on my plate. Well, I guess you can say that this past week I have learned that I am NOT Super Woman! Not even close.
In the mom's and nurses that I have talked to it is not uncommon to have a feeling of disappointment about yourself and what you can and can't do. The advice is just to take things day by day and make no big drastic changes right away. Let things settle...Let things sink in.
Today, we went to the clinic again. This is a special unit of the hospital for pediatric cancer patients only. A place where a lot of the treatment procedures can take place without being admitted fully to the hospital. That is nice option because even after a few weeks in the hospital Kagan was tired of being there. In this portion of the hospital though you see small children all with an adorable bald head fighting for the lives. Children on walkers because their bones are so dense, children carrying buckets with them every step because they are not sure when they will get ill, or pre-teen kids snuggled in a blanket with their moms because it is just one of those days.
It is there I was reminded of a better kind of woman - a loving mom!
I was thankful that today Kagan was having a good day. We got to play on the old timey Pizza Hut table version of Mrs. PacMan, Centipede and Gallaga(?). (I should point out that his mom kicked his butt on these old 80's games! He may have the whole PS3 thing down but don't mess with us old folks on arcade games!)
After being schooled, then Kagan got his injections so that he can be ready for Day 8 and the next round of Chemo treatment that he is getting tomorrow. Will it be a good day or a bad day? Will his hair start to fall out yet (they said between day 7-10)? Will his blood counts be good?
No, this Super Woman has found her kryptonite. My child being sick brings me to a halting stop on all those so other things - important or not.
I still feel guilty that I had to just pick up a leave my boss with the office to handle. I am sure that he and the staff will do great but I am the one that is suppose to be there taking care of everything and preventing the stress from happening. A few years ago he just kinda dropped everything and said here, handle it. I did. But now he is having to learn my ways and I know this is frustrating. I don't want to let him down. I also never want to let my clients down who trusted me enough to let us handle their problem. I am who they call when they are worried, when they are stressed or when they want answers. Now - I am not there for this point in time.
The kids are taking final exams. In reality, I would be hounding them to study and do all that they could to bring up their grade.
Typically, I would be stressing over the social lives of my kids. Cheer, football, youth events, friend's parties, etc.
On the average day, I would be grouchy at my kids if they did not get their chores done. I would be beside myself when I come home to dirty laundry, dirty dishes...
I would be balancing paying bills, grocery shopping, cooking (well, picking up food from restaurants and bringing it home to have a hot meal), my activities, my volunteering here and there, my date nights with Kaleb, my.... my...., my....! (Ouch, that is a lot of my's there)
This mediocre mom is now just focusing on the priorities that make my family run. Taking care of Kagan, caring for Kade & Kenadee and loving my husband. Everything else will work itself out, show it's value and prove itself worthy or not. I have to believe that God would not allow the testing if he wasn't preparing our family for something much bigger than we can see today.
Lastly, I guess I should confess that I am still getting other things done. Doctors, insurance, family updates, I even pumped my own gas yesterday! Kagan took a picture and sent it his dad. They swore he photo shopped the photo. Funny boys!
Monday, June 4, 2012
Quilted Love
We kept asking Kagan what would make him feel better after we got the first diagnosis. We pretty much offered to do or buy him anything he wanted in the first 24-48 hours to make him feel more at ease or to ease his pain in some way.
When you have a 15 year old, it is a little harder to give him something that you know will comfort him; because he "gets it". As the doctors were talking he was on his ipad checking their answers, confirming their comments and doing his own research. Seriously not one of those moments where I loved technology because my son was learning MUCH faster than I could answer his questions or explain things to him as his mom.
Kagan, being such a sweetie, NEVER asked for anything during this time. Seriously, he just kept saying that he did not need anything just because he was sick. (He was a little slow in asking for a car or I bet your hiney I likely would have bought one that day via the internet!)
After a day, he did say that he would love a new quilt. Our family, both Kaleb's and my side, love quilts. I cherish my quilt from my Grandma Brown that she gave to me when I would stay with her. I have collected other quilts along the way. We especially love the Granny quilts that were given to us by Kaleb's Granny or inherited (okay - stolen) from Kaleb's mom. To our kids, being wrapped in a quilt is just a part of getting better. If you are sick - crawl up in a quilt and take a nap and it will all get better soon.
I shared that Kagan wanted a quilt with my mom. Being the fantastic Grandma that she is she went on a mission to find her grandson a homemade quilt (store bought would not do). She made a call to my Great Aunt Verdice (91 years old) to see if she had any quilts still on hand. My sweet aunt not only had a quilt but insisted that she give it to my mom for Kagan.
On Saturday when we returned from the hospital, Grandma's package had arrived. Inside this package was a beautiful quilt made with such love. I can't tell you the feeling of happiness this has brought to Kagan. (I mean, he LOVES to nap in a quilt!)
There is more to this story about Grandma's quilt gathering but that is for another day. For now, it is just nice to see a sweet smile of Kagan wrapped in his quilt that was just for him. Thanks so much Aunt Verdice - I love you! (Well, I guess seeing she is 91 that she will never see this - LOL)
Just a reminder that when this horrible event is happening you really feel the love of friends, family and loved ones that you might otherwise never feel or know. Sure makes fighting the fight a little easier.
When you have a 15 year old, it is a little harder to give him something that you know will comfort him; because he "gets it". As the doctors were talking he was on his ipad checking their answers, confirming their comments and doing his own research. Seriously not one of those moments where I loved technology because my son was learning MUCH faster than I could answer his questions or explain things to him as his mom.
Kagan, being such a sweetie, NEVER asked for anything during this time. Seriously, he just kept saying that he did not need anything just because he was sick. (He was a little slow in asking for a car or I bet your hiney I likely would have bought one that day via the internet!)
After a day, he did say that he would love a new quilt. Our family, both Kaleb's and my side, love quilts. I cherish my quilt from my Grandma Brown that she gave to me when I would stay with her. I have collected other quilts along the way. We especially love the Granny quilts that were given to us by Kaleb's Granny or inherited (okay - stolen) from Kaleb's mom. To our kids, being wrapped in a quilt is just a part of getting better. If you are sick - crawl up in a quilt and take a nap and it will all get better soon.
I shared that Kagan wanted a quilt with my mom. Being the fantastic Grandma that she is she went on a mission to find her grandson a homemade quilt (store bought would not do). She made a call to my Great Aunt Verdice (91 years old) to see if she had any quilts still on hand. My sweet aunt not only had a quilt but insisted that she give it to my mom for Kagan.
On Saturday when we returned from the hospital, Grandma's package had arrived. Inside this package was a beautiful quilt made with such love. I can't tell you the feeling of happiness this has brought to Kagan. (I mean, he LOVES to nap in a quilt!)
There is more to this story about Grandma's quilt gathering but that is for another day. For now, it is just nice to see a sweet smile of Kagan wrapped in his quilt that was just for him. Thanks so much Aunt Verdice - I love you! (Well, I guess seeing she is 91 that she will never see this - LOL)
Just a reminder that when this horrible event is happening you really feel the love of friends, family and loved ones that you might otherwise never feel or know. Sure makes fighting the fight a little easier.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Home Sweet Home
We came home for a brief break for a few days before the next chemo treatments. It was really nice to come home and be in my own bed, near my husband and my other kids; but I was still very nervous.
When we walked out the hospital and all the nurses came to say bye I had a feeling like I was leaving my parent's house as an adult. Just like their house is no longer my house it is always home. I know my home is the place where Kaleb and I share with our kids but there is something that about a safety net that my parent's house gives me. That is how the hospital felt.
Leaving the hospital meant no more daily blood counts to watch the newly learned "ANC" to see how Kagan is doing. No more every four hours of a nurse confirming the blood pressure and temps. More importantly no more breathing monitor that had become so important during this process.
Things keep running around my head as I came home. The normalcy of life creeping back in on the drive home. Like, I will need to stop and get gas. I gotta get this stuff unpacked and cleaned, stop by the pharmacy, what do Kade and Kenadee have to do, I have some work I need to get done, I need to fix my email, etc. I wanted to stop - turn around - and focus on just getting Kagan better.
Then after about 5 minutes of snuggles with Kade, Kenadee & Kaleb I knew where I was suppose to be. This is home. This is the place where the world makes sense. Sure, I have to get back to running life again but some how it is going to be with more focus. A little voice that says that you must live life but now you must live it with new priorities.
Before we left the hospital, Kagan was a chatter box with the nurses. Something about saying that he could go home that made him be so conversational. (If you know Kagan, you know this is not his normal self). We even had a good time with the nurse learning how to give shots. Kagan was a sport and played along.
This was Megan. She was one my favorite nurses. She was so sweet to sit, listen and teach. I will forever be thankful to the nurses who helped take such good care of Kagan.
When we walked out the hospital and all the nurses came to say bye I had a feeling like I was leaving my parent's house as an adult. Just like their house is no longer my house it is always home. I know my home is the place where Kaleb and I share with our kids but there is something that about a safety net that my parent's house gives me. That is how the hospital felt.
Leaving the hospital meant no more daily blood counts to watch the newly learned "ANC" to see how Kagan is doing. No more every four hours of a nurse confirming the blood pressure and temps. More importantly no more breathing monitor that had become so important during this process.
Things keep running around my head as I came home. The normalcy of life creeping back in on the drive home. Like, I will need to stop and get gas. I gotta get this stuff unpacked and cleaned, stop by the pharmacy, what do Kade and Kenadee have to do, I have some work I need to get done, I need to fix my email, etc. I wanted to stop - turn around - and focus on just getting Kagan better.
Then after about 5 minutes of snuggles with Kade, Kenadee & Kaleb I knew where I was suppose to be. This is home. This is the place where the world makes sense. Sure, I have to get back to running life again but some how it is going to be with more focus. A little voice that says that you must live life but now you must live it with new priorities.
Before we left the hospital, Kagan was a chatter box with the nurses. Something about saying that he could go home that made him be so conversational. (If you know Kagan, you know this is not his normal self). We even had a good time with the nurse learning how to give shots. Kagan was a sport and played along.
This was Megan. She was one my favorite nurses. She was so sweet to sit, listen and teach. I will forever be thankful to the nurses who helped take such good care of Kagan.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Chemo - Day 3
Chemotherapy as we are coming to realize has no certain effect on anyone. The nurses can guess what is going to happen but honestly the results seem to be so varied that there is really not a real answer. Some nurses give you the best case scenario and other's warn you that the worst is yet to come.
Kagan has responded physically to the chemo well. The first night he had 6 chemo agents along with the anti-nausea medicine. The second night down to three and this evening only one.
Right before the chemo started Kagan looked at the red dripping fluid and sighed. I held back every tear. I was intentionally letting poison drip into my son's veins to cure him and he knew that. Oh how much faith to allow modern day medicine work.
We were fearful of Kagan having immediate pain, throwing up and in an overall pure panic over how he would feel. To our joy, none of this happened to any extent that we were prepared for.
The journey continues but we focus on the goal line of being cancer free!
Kagan has responded physically to the chemo well. The first night he had 6 chemo agents along with the anti-nausea medicine. The second night down to three and this evening only one.
Right before the chemo started Kagan looked at the red dripping fluid and sighed. I held back every tear. I was intentionally letting poison drip into my son's veins to cure him and he knew that. Oh how much faith to allow modern day medicine work.
We were fearful of Kagan having immediate pain, throwing up and in an overall pure panic over how he would feel. To our joy, none of this happened to any extent that we were prepared for.
The journey continues but we focus on the goal line of being cancer free!
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