Random Thoughts....

The other day in the car, Kagan was driving us somewhere.  As were approaching the stop sign he said casually, " I think it was a good thing that I got cancer mom because if not you would have not had surgery and taken care of yourself". 

My heart sank, my tears leaked and well...... I smiled.

As much as it pained me to say it, yes, Kagan getting cancer has brought about good things for our family. 

I felt guilty.  I felt ashamed.  Why did my son have to get sick for me to realize so many important things?

I also felt relieved that it was a CHANCE too now make those changes.  A chance to make positive changes that when and if we ever face another challenge we will have grown from this and Kagan's illness would not have gone in vain.  (Do you hear the after school special music tune playing in your head now? HA)

So here are my random thoughts.....

1.  I love to have a clean house.   I HATE (I mean like really hate) to clean but I sure do love the smell of Pine-sol, chemicals and candles.    Since his release of the hospital I challenged myself to get our house organized and clean in a way that I have not done in years.  There is even a schedule.

2.  I love calendars.  (Not a big surprise!)   The control of a paper calendar gives me a feeling of control that may or may not be true - but that is how I feel.

3.  I missed cooking for my family.  I still hate grocery shopping but I love to have a hot cooked meal on the table for them when they come home.  I am starting to plan meals and COUPON again so I can at least make it a game to get me to the grocery store.

4.  My kids' have some awesome friends.  I forget how important friends are to teens.  Yet, when I think back to those days I cannot imagine my life without some of the friends who were very important me (and some who I wish I had never met but that is another story!)   I want to invest in their  friendships because I can see how important friends are more now that ever.

5.  I adore my husband.  I cherish all that he has given me from the days of "split ends" to now.   He gives me butterflies knowing that he will always take care of me anyway he can.  I will take our love story over any other!

6.  I have let people take advantage of me and my time.  I thought I had learned my lesson but NOPE it followed me into adulthood.  It is sad that you only see it when you need them to be there and they abandon you.  In their heart you know they must think it but you wonder how an adult could do this.

7.  My kids can see right thru me.   Scary.

8.  I forgot how much I love to read.  I have devoured book after book in the past few months and I am mad that some of the series that I have read are over.  Seriously, don't authors know that just stopping a series cannot be tolerated!

9.  If I ever run away from my life I want to run away to Kaleb's Aunt Kathy's house.   Their entire commune of people crack me up!   I think that they could have their own reality show over there :0)

10.   There will never be anyone in the world who makes me feel as safe as my Daddy.  My mom is the person who I lean on the most and whom I love but when my Daddy says something there is just something so matter-a-fact about it that I know it is going to be okay.  

11.   I love picking up my kids from school.  You learn all kids of things in the car line!

12.  I can have anything I want to have if I want it bad enough.  The problem now is making sure that what I want is what I need.

13.  I love to pay bills on a monthly basis.   I get tickled to get a bill that has a negative balance on it because I paid it before it was mailed out.   (Truly, this gives me such a grin like I made them waste almost 50 cents to tell me I don't owe them anything)

14.  The thing I want most in the world (material wise) is a chair that is my mind that I cannot find.  I have said this before but I can't find the perfect chair.

15.  Taking care of myself is crucial to take care of my family.  Lesson learned.   Changes are coming....

So, yes Kagan having cancer SUCKS!  It is not fair to him at all; but I will make sure that it a point where change occurs for good.

Lastly, I have learned that God is so faithful.  I am comforted in a way that I have never been before because I know that God has a plan.   It is NOT random that God chose Kagan and that is a thought that makes me smile.